Ever since Milo was even slightly close to turning one everyone started asking me if it was time for baby number two. I have always known that I don’t want Milo to be an only child, I was an only child and it was awful. Even though all I hear from people with brothers and sisters is how you fought all the time and they made your life a misery, but nothing is as miserable as being lonely I can tell you that for free. Brothers and sisters are there for all the tough times and will have your back no matter what, who wouldn’t want to have that?
I’ve never spoke about this before, but for a while I thought I was going to be a mum to two babies and then on Christmas day that was taken away from me.
It wasn’t part of our plan and it was a huge shock. I remember feeling extremely overwhelmed when we found out and there wasn’t a lot of happiness there. Sometimes, I think that it’s my fault for not being happy and I feel like the worst person in the world. Maybe if I felt the same this time as I did when I found out about Milo it wouldn’t have been taken away from me.
I only thought that I was going to be a mum of 2 for 7 short days. Ash and I talked about it a lot of those 7 days. We thought about how we wouldn’t be able to do everything we had wanted and planned for Milo having two babies so close and we would have to put all our hopes of a dream wedding,owning our own home or saving up for holidays and new cars on the back burner. Then we thought about all the amazing things that come with new babies. The whole experience of labour again, meeting our baby for the first time, imagining how they would be just as beautiful as Milo, just as funny, just as crazy and just as perfect.
Now I feel guilty for different reasons. Of course when it first happened I was devastated. Now I don’t feel as sad and that makes me feel terrible. Ash always believes that everything happens for a reason and I think this was one of those things. We now have a five year plan, everything we thought we couldn’t accomplish with two babies we have to accomplish before we have another baby. We have to do it for the baby that only visited us for 7 short days.
Being put through this sadness has to mean something. We have to turn it into something else.
If I haven’t told our family and friends why am I putting it out there in a Blog post?
I don’t know is the only answer that I have.
I guess I needed to write it down somewhere, I need my feelings to be out in the open because right now it doesn’t really feel like it happened. I don’t want to forget the feelings I had during that time and I don’t want to forget how lucky I am to have Milo.
I also think that sometimes people are too quick to ask when you are having another baby and maybe we all need to be a little bit more considerate. It has made me think twice about a lot of things. I have taken my pregnancy with Milo for granted, I should always be appreciative that I have him and he is healthy. I never thought a miscarriage would happen to me, I don’t know why I thought I was untouchable but for some reason I just did.
I needed to write this to make sense of my own feelings.